Could Not Compute

This week I suddenly remembered
Our first year here,
Our first accident, when
A 35 pound weight, driven full force,
Rebounded and hit Phil in the head.

Blood, concussion, cries of,
“Why didn’t you come when I called?”
My anguished response:
“I didn’t hear you!”

I had asked for protection for our family, our farm,
Every day.
That day I had wondered if I treated this prayer as a mantra,
More a magic charm than an earnest request.
And what if I missed a day?

I already deal with issues with being perfect!

The idea that, through my oversight,
One day of imperfection,
I might cause the injury of those I love
Or maybe death …
That could not compute.

I did not ask for that kind of pressure.
I could not handle the idea of that level of
Malicious resistance.

I quit praying.

Almost six years later, that memory resurfaced.
Still painful, still confusing.

Jesus, what do you have to say to my confusion and pain?

It is not your responsibility, nor ability, to keep your family safe.
God’s purposes go forward.
There wasn’t someone there to help you process your confusion.
It is not your fault.